Undeniable Page 8

  "No. No, he didn't do anything." I ruined it all.

  "What is it?" Her voice was calm, all her perky encouragement had melted away.

  "I don't know." I leaned forward and rested my cheek against the cool surface of my desk. "I…I don't know."

  "You're confused?"

  "I-" Hesitating, I stared out the window at the street outside. "I just don't know how to move forward."

  Jade let out a long sigh on the other end of the line and I could almost picture her sitting in that huge leather chair in her office, wearing some designer power woman business attire, her six inch heels kicked off somewhere under the pile of papers that was her life. Glamour undone. "Sometimes following your heart means losing your mind," she said after a beat. "Sometimes you've got to head off into the unknown and take a fucking chance or lose before you've even begun."

  It didn't escape me where she got her so called wisdom from.

  "Using my own words against me?" I asked dryly, sitting up again.

  "Undeniable by Alexis Storm," she said. "Practice what you preach and all that, Lexi."

  "That's a book, Jade. I can control what happens on paper, I can't control real life."

  "No, but you can hide the rest of it, blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault, die miserable and alone…or you can take a fucking chance at being happy."

  "I had that dream again," I said, trying to stop her motivational speech.

  "But you haven't had any dreams in months and months."

  "No."

  "It doesn't mean anything, Lexi. You need a break. Stop trying to fight everything."

  "Fighting what? The inevitable?" I asked, rolling my eyes. Not that she could see, but Jade would know.

  "Have you talked to him about it?" she asked, knowing that would press all the wrong buttons. "Have you told him about what happened?"

  "No. Why would I? It's nobody's business."

  "If he's into you, if he wants a relationship, you need to tell him. You can't build something like that and keep it a secret. It doesn't work that way."

  "Who says I want a relationship with him?" I snapped.

  "Lexi, you didn't…"

  "I did." It hurt too much. This was what I was trying to avoid when I walked away from Joe in the airport. Now, I'd hurt him, too. I shouldn't have agreed to spend the night with him in Hong Kong. It was a mistake. My entire life was a mistake.

  "You can't keep doing this to yourself, Lexi. You can't keep blaming yourself."

  "Why not? It's the truth," I yelled down the phone. "It was my fault and I'm the one who has to live with it. So, just leave me alone, okay? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want Joe to know anything. I don't need anyone."

  Before I could make things worse, I hung up the phone and hurled it across the room. To my utter dismay, when it collided with the wall, it didn't break at all. Collapsing into bed, I curled up into the tightest ball I could manage, like it could protect me from the entire world.

  Don't depend on anyone. Even your shadow leaves in the darkness.

  I had feelings for Joe. He'd put up with so much crap from me the past week and still he tried. But I looked into the future and saw nothing but pain. Would I ever get over it? Would I ever stop punishing myself? Probably not.

  You never got over killing someone.

  Joe

  My first instinct was to go down to the bar and get shitfaced. Getting dumped wasn't something that happened to me and especially not over the phone. Fuck that shit. I wasn't taking it lying down. I wasn't letting Alexis walk away from this just because she was scared of something…or someone.

  I tried calling her the next day. Give her the night to sleep it off. She didn't answer. I tried texting her, but hours later, there wasn't any reply. I tried calling and leaving a voicemail. No reply.

  Three days later, I was really beginning to worry.

  I didn't know where she lived. I didn't know any of her friends. I didn't have any way of contacting her, but that's when I got a fucking crazy idea. I pulled out my phone and did a search for Alexis Storm and found her website. Opening it up, there was the usual stuff about her books, appearances, the same kind of stuff we had on Affliction's.

  I opened up her bio and her photo looked back at me, the same one I'd seen on that poster just over a week ago. It looked like a candid portrait, obviously staged, but she was beautiful and wild. A stolen moment. Her hair was mussed up, a few strands stuck to her perfect fucking lips…her eyes were clear, sparkling, but they also had a depth to them I hadn't noticed before. They gave away the fact that she'd been scarred literally and emotionally by something. I pressed the screen on my phone and saved the photo. If this entire thing went south, then I could at least have this reminder.

  Scrolling down the page, I looked for something that would lead me to her. A phone number, a contact, an email address…anything. Right at the bottom of the page was the thing I was looking for. Alexis Storm is represented by Jade Cunningham of Hunter&Browne Literary Agency, Melbourne, Australia.

  There was no hesitation when I pressed the telephone number. When I got a receptionist, I asked for Alexis' agent and was patched through. I didn't know what their relationship was, author and agent, but it was my only lead and I had to take it.

  "Jade Cunningham." Her voice was chirpy and bright, nothing like my Storm's.

  "Hi, Ms. Cunningham? My name is Joe Fox-"

  I didn't get any further because I swore the woman just shrieked at me.

  "Alexis' Joe?" she asked once she'd composed herself.

  "Yeah. I'm looking for her. She's not answering her phone and I don't know how else to contact her. I'm sorry if this is out of line, but I was wondering if you could help. I'm worried about her."

  "Truthfully, I'm worried about her, too. She missed her deadline yesterday and she's never late." There was silence for a moment before she continued. "Alexis and I have been good friends since I became her agent and if you've done something to hurt her-"

  "That's the thing," I said, interrupting her, "I've done nothing but fight for her, but she keeps pushing me away. If she didn't want me, she could just say it, but she just shuts down. She was saying all kinds of crazy shit and now she's not answering her phone. I've been trying for days."

  "Fuck." The chirpiness totally dropped from Jade's voice.

  I wasn't sure how to voice the next part, especially with someone I'd never met before. "Did someone hurt her? That scar..."

  "Listen, Joe. Alexis went though a real tough time a few years back. Like really rough, but it isn't my place to tell you about it. Only she can do that."

  "Fine, but I have to see her for that. I have to see her." I was reaching desperation stations and this woman was getting me nowhere.

  "I think it was okay for her when she thought she wasn't going to see you again," Jade went on. "The moment you turned up, things became real. It forced her to think about things she'd been ignoring and not really dealing with. She's never dealt, Joe, and you've been forcing her to."

  "I never meant-"

  "Shut the fuck up, I haven't stopped talking yet."

  "Damn, woman. Anyone ever tell you you're a ball breaker?"

  "I wouldn't be a hotshot literary agent if I wasn't," she said. "Look, Lexi hasn't been with anyone since the day she got that scar. She doesn't think she deserves to be. She thinks she's saving the world from getting hurt if she's just alone, turns in her manuscripts and gets on with it."

  "She's afraid of hurting me?" I asked, dumbfounded. "All this is because-"

  "If you don't intend on sticking around, then I suggest you respect her wishes and leave her alone."

  "Believe me, Jade," I said, squaring my jaw. "I'm in a successful rock band. I can and have fucked pretty much everything with tits and a vagina. Believe me when I say I would give all that up for her. All of it."

  Jade let out a slow breath. "You sound like one of her characters."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Have yo
u read any of her books?"

  "No."

  "You should," she murmured. "Her characters all get their happy endings."

  I was too afraid of the answer, but I asked anyway. "How?"

  "By doing exactly what you're doing now."

  My fingertips started to ache and I clenched my free hand into a tight fist, turning my knuckles white. I let my gaze travel along the Buddhist unalome tattoo on my finger, the one that signified life's journey. Alexis was a part of that now, whether she wanted to be or not. "Where is she?"

  "I don't know where she is, but I have a pretty good idea."

  "Tell me." I was desperate to grab Alexis by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. She deserved everything good in the world. Most of all, she deserved to be loved. I didn't know if that's what I felt for her, but I wanted to find out. I wanted to be the one who could show her it was possible.

  "You're really into her?"

  "I don't fucking know," I hissed. "All I know is that I can't stop thinking about her. I want her, Jade. If I fucking leave her like this, without even trying, then I don't fucking deserve her."

  There was silence on the line for a moment and I was petrified that she wouldn't help me. "If you do anything to hurt her, Fox, you'll have to face me and you better believe you don't want to."

  "Tell me, Jade."

  She took a deep breath. "Fawkner Cemetery."

  Alexis

  I hadn't been to see him in months.

  I felt guilty about it, especially since it was my fault he was here. In the ground. Dead.

  I sat cross-legged in the grass, the sun beating down on my shoulders. I remembered the funeral, the way his mother had slapped me across the face. A sharp stinging pain that didn't do anything to negate the aching hollowness that had bloomed inside me the moment I realized he'd stopped breathing. I'd been upside down, bleeding out from the gash that the twisted metal of the passenger side door had opened up across my left side and he'd just…stopped.

  She told me it was my fault that he was dead. If it wasn't for me, we would never have been in that car. And she was right.

  I looked up at the headstone and sighed. It was really nice. All black marble with little pieces of silver that sparkled like diamonds in the sunshine. The whole thing was overwhelming and overbearing…over the top, just like his family were.

  Shane Meadows 1987-2011.

  Shane, my first love. The man I was supposed to marry and live happily ever after with.

  I'd spent the better part of the morning sitting by him, by his grave, just thinking and staring at his name, trying to find answers to questions that didn't have any. If I could talk to him, would he hate me like his mother did? Would he forgive me? Did it even matter?

  Standing, I dusted off my ass and wondered what I should do. I should probably go home and get that manuscript to Jade because I was already late. I was never late with anything, especially not with a book that needed to go to the editor. The poor woman was probably having heart palpitations after our last conversation. When had that been? Two or three days, I think. I also had to get a new phone number to escape Joe's barrage of text messages.

  Once I submitted the new book, it'd go into editing and I'd be free to start something else. No way was I having a break. Work set my mind at ease and drove away the demons until night fell. I'd go home and work.

  I cast my gaze out over Fawkner Cemetery, the skyscrapers of the city shimmering against the blue sky in the distance. It was a clear and still day, out of place at the beginning of Autumn. Nothing moved apart from the odd bird so when I detected movement out the corner of my eye, my heart did a little stab in my chest and when I turned, it almost stopped completely.

  No, no, no. He couldn't be here. No. Go away.

  "Alexis," Joe said, coming to a stop a few paces from me.

  My eyes widened in fear as I stumbled back a step. He'd hate me, too.

  "You can't be here," I said, my heart working double time.

  Arms circled around me, caging me against his body and I pushed the flats of my palms against his chest. I had no chance of getting away, he was too strong. I was tired, over-worked and hadn't been able to bring myself to eat since that phone call. It didn't matter how much I struggled.

  "You can't keep running," he murmured, pressing his cheek against the top of my head. "Don't you know by now that I'll still keep trying no matter what?"

  Despite the fear that was burning through every fiber of my being, I breathed in deeply. Shane had always smelt like his favorite Hugo Boss cologne, but Joe…he just smelt like…Joe. I let my head fall against his shoulder and his breathing hitched slightly. I was so tired of the weight of everything on my shoulders…so fucking tired.

  "What happened?" he asked and I knew exactly what he meant. Not what happened the other day when I gave up. He wanted to know what happened three years ago. He wanted to know what changed me.

  "I can't...you can't be here."

  "You can," he said firmly. "You can trust me, Storm. You haven't scared me off yet."

  Yet being the most important word in that sentence.

  "I don't know how to start," I whispered, curling my fingers into his shirt.

  "How about at the beginning? Before?"

  "Before…" I hesitated.

  "Storm."

  "Before...I was engaged to Shane." I felt him move as he looked down at the headstone we stood in front of. "He was sweet, caring, didn't care that I spent hours and hours locked away writing. Or when I cried to him over rejection letters from publishers. He'd always smile and say, next time. I ended up self-publishing a few things, made a little splash, made some money. Then the publishers started calling. I landed an agent, Jade, and we were in final talks for a big deal. The one that would make me."

  That was before. Joe didn't say anything, just held me in his arms as I worked through it. I didn't know what that meant, but he didn't leave.

  "We were having a break to get away from the pressure for a few days," I went on. "Planning the wedding, my career. It was all a bit too much on our relationship. His family are full-on. Over the top about everything. We just wanted time together away from all of that, so we went to Phillip Island for a while. Then I got a call late on Friday night. Jade wanted me in the office to sign the deal. They were giving me worldwide publication, more zeros than I thought could ever exist in my bank account…and they wanted a signature then and there or they'd drop the deal. We could've driven back in the morning. We could've-" I almost choked on my words as a sob built up in my throat. "I made Shane drive me then and there. I made him."

  "He supported your dream, Alexis," Joe murmured, breaking his silence. "He obviously wanted the world for you."

  I wondered if he could guess the next part. How it happened. How I killed the man I was going to marry.

  "It was cold, dark…a thick fog had begun to settle as we drove over the bridge back toward the city. Back then, they were still working on the highway, so Shane took a detour. As we rounded a bend, laughing about the things we'd do when I was a famous author…there was a kangaroo in the middle of the road."

  I squeezed my eyes shut, but all I saw was the moment Shane had instinctively swerved to miss the dazed kangaroo. The moment the car hit the side of the road and into a ditch. The moment it began to flip. Over and over and over, so fast until it hit a tree. The stench of burnt rubber and torn metal. And blood. So much blood.

  "He swerved and the car rolled and wrapped around a tree… Later, police told me that it must've rolled at least a dozen times before hitting the tree. The car was almost unrecognizable and I was lucky to be alive. I could've died on impact, I could've bled out in the car before help arrived." I should've died and Shane should've lived.

  "It was an accident," he said, but I didn't hear him.

  "I killed him." I beat against Joe's chest, but he wouldn't let go. "I killed him. It's my fault he's dead."

  Joe just crooned in my ear, trying to soothe away the hysteria.r />
  "He didn't die straight away," I sobbed. "He suffered. His blood was all over everything. I heard it bubble in his lungs every time he took a breath. I hear it in my dreams, Joe. I did it to him. How could you stand there and tell me it's okay? It's fucking not!"

  I struggled harder against him, beating my fists uselessly against his chest. He had to get away from me. He had to get away before it happened to him, too.

  "I told you," he said, pulling my body against his again. "I'm not letting you go."

  "Please," I sobbed, my tears staining his shirt.

  "Fuck, Alexis. It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. A horrible fucking accident. You can't let your grief hold you back from living your life. You can't let it come between us." He hissed through his teeth and ran a hand over his face.

  "You still want me?" I whispered. After the self-indulgent crap I'd pulled…after he'd heard the truth...

  Joe raised his gaze to meet mine and whatever was in his eyes scared me more than it should. There was a fire in them I didn't understand.

  "I don't know what this thing is between us, but I want you. I can't be without you for five seconds without feeling empty. But you have to let me in, Alexis. What use is caring for someone if you don't trust them?"

  Is this what it had come to? Standing at the foot of my dead fiancé's grave, contemplating running from my second chance? I knew Joe was giving me an ultimatum, even if he didn't realize it yet.

  "I don't want it to happen to you, too," I mumbled into his shirt like a last ditch effort to get him to see all of this was fucking crazy.

  "What the fuck?" he exclaimed, pushing me back, so he could look into my tear stained face. "You think you're going to get me killed by being with you?" He shook his head, a look of total confusion on his face. "Storm."

  "I don't deserve it. I don't-"

  He placed his fingers over my lips to silence me. "Nothing's going to happen to me. Nothing. It hasn't been very long at all, but life seems so much better with you in it," he murmured. "You fill up my life like no one else has, Alexis."

  I swatted his hand away. "Don't."