Undeniable Page 4
Thinking back to yesterday, standing at the airport, I couldn't believe how fucking stupid I'd been. It was one of those moments where I should've ran after her and told her to stay, but I let her go. I fucking let her go. Joe Fox had done some stupid shit in his time, but nothing even compared close to yesterday's fuck up.
Downing the rest of my drink, I gestured to the bartender for another. Time to get completely and utterly shit faced.
Glancing around the bar, I wondered if this was the place Jake met Blair. He'd picked her up and that was that and I wondered how the fuck it had been so easy for him. After all the shit they'd been through, looking back…it just seemed easy. She was there and he took her. Alexis was there and I let her go.
A full glass appeared in front of me and I downed half of it in one go, feeling the slow burn right into my empty stomach. I was the voice of reason in Affliction. I was the calm center in the hurricane of bullshit. I was the one who kept Jake West and the band stuck together. I was beginning to resent all of it because at the end of the day, I had no one to go back to when all the touring was over and the one person I'd connected with…I let her fucking go.
"Hey." I looked up into a pair of rather large tits before my gaze met brown eyes. Suddenly, a good fuck seemed like the thing that would do the trick. Quick and hard, out the back. Use someone's pussy to erase the feeling of Alexis'.
She was my usual type. Tall, leggy, dark hair, lips that could suck me just the right way. The way she was standing there led me to believe she knew what she wanted and she knew I could give it to her. My lips curled into a smile, my gaze dropping to her tits. Just so we were clear.
Leaning forward, she pressed into my arm. "Wanna fuck, handsome? You look like you need a release."
Wetting my lips, I stood and ran my hand over her waist. I didn't give a fuck what her name was. Shit, I didn't even care to talk to her. I just took her hand and led her back toward the bathroom, ignoring the crowd around me. Pulling her into the female toilets, I heard her turn the lock on the outside door. Then she was in front of me, hands cupping my dick through my jeans. Backing the woman against the wall, I forced her legs apart with a knee, plunging my tongue into her mouth. I just wanted to get off. I wanted to forget about Alexis. I wanted to forget everything. Any hole would do.
As I kissed the nameless woman, all I could see was her fucking face. Her hands were unzipping my jeans, caressing my cock with long strokes, but I couldn't do it. Pulling away, I turned and put my hands on top of the basin and spat out a curse.
"She must be something," the woman said and I looked up at her in the mirror. It didn't take much to make me hard, but right now I was flaccid like the star of some stupid erectile dysfunction ad.
"Sorry."
"It happens." She looked me up and down, her gaze lingering on my ass. "Shame." With a shrug, she pushed out of the bathroom, noise from the bar amplifying to a roar until it closed behind her.
There wasn't a lack of willing women. I could just go take my pick, but something was wrong. It was like a drawer full of spoons when all I needed was a knife. Alexis was the fucking knife and who the hell knew where she was.
I said I didn't want attachment, then I was a depressed cunt when it came to thinking about the nothing I had to go home to, then I let the one woman who might've been able to fill that void go. I let her walk away because of what? Fear? Was that what this stupid as fuck thing was? Fear was making me flaccid?
Fuck. I was such a knob jockey.
Alexis
I sat in an expensive leather chair, staring across a pile of books and papers at my slightly wild and utterly glamorous literary agent, Jade Cunningham. She was six foot, had long natural red hair, perfect skin, and wore fabulous clothes and heels. Simply put, she was everything I wasn't.
I'd gotten back from London yesterday and went directly home to get myself off, because Joe, and neglected to call and explain myself at being a day late. Now, I sat in Jade's office waiting for the cross-examination.
Jade was more than my agent. She was one of the best friends I'd ever had and I hadn't had many of those. Not that that was an indication of anything that mattered. She was the one who picked up my first book and got the deal that sealed my fate and fortunes. I wasn't sure which one was worse, but I'd have to go with fate. Fate was a hard bitch.
The day I got that scar, the one Joe seemed so enthralled with, she came to see me. She'd been a total blubbering mess and I couldn't comprehend that this beautiful, professional woman that I hardly knew was crying for me. No one should've been crying for me.
She sat across from me, behind her cluttered mess of a desk and narrowed her eyes. She knew something was up. She always knew.
"How did the London signing go?" she asked, chewing on the end of her pen. "I've seen some pics on Facebook. A lot of people have tagged your page. Looked like a good turn out, lady."
"Yeah, it was okay." I was totally feeling off. Usually, I put it on and played up the enthusiasm card for Jade's benefit. "The line was almost out the door. The usual, you know."
Jade frowned at me. "It was your first major appearance in the UK. Surely, it was better than okay."
"You know how I am with people," I said. "I do these things to make people happy, not because it rocks my socks."
"You writer types."
"You know I'd rather be romancing my keyboard than a room full of women with paperbacks. Not that I don't appreciate it, I do, it's just not my scene. Besides, they want Alexis Storm. Sometimes I think people are disappointed when they see me sitting at the table."
"That's not true and you know it."
I grimaced.
"Did the publisher treat you okay?"
"Yes."
"Were there any problems with the hotels, the travel arrangements?"
"No."
"Then why did you change your flight, Lexi? It's not like you to be spontaneous. Are you okay?"
I shifted uncomfortably in the leather chair, my thighs and bits aching like hell, and all I could think about was Joe's naked body against mine. Shit, what a hussy.
"Lexi?" Jade was frowning at me.
"I slept funny." I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about it.
"You changed your flight because you slept funny?"
Shit. Fuck. Ass. I'd stuck my foot right in that one. "So, the signing tomorrow. What time do I need to be there?"
Jade wasn't buying it and her face lit up. "Who was he?"
"Who was what?"
"Lexi, don't hold out on me. I know you like the back of my own hand. You never change your plans last second. It must've been a guy."
I rolled my eyes. When Jade got it under her skin that a guy looked twice at me, she was all for pushing me at him with an almighty shove. According to her, being single for three years was akin to being frigid - like somehow my lady bits were going to grow over and become an impenetrable fortress. I also knew that when she got a whiff of something juicy, she wouldn't let go until she had all the gory details. I was convinced she was a medieval torturer in a past life.
"You're sore because you had wild mile high sex, didn't you?"
"Jade!" I began blushing a million different shades of red.
"You got some," she chortled, spinning her office chair around, hands in the air. "Hallelujah! Now, spill. I want all the details. Where did you meet him?"
"I sat next to him on the plane." I shrugged again like it was no big deal.
"And?"
"And he convinced me to have a stop over in Hong Kong."
"He must've been damn fine if he could convince the ice queen to change her flight for sex."
A smile began to tug at my lips and I slapped a hand over my mouth.
Her eyes lit up at my reaction. "Aw, shit. It was good, too, wasn't it?"
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. It had been fucking incredible.
"What was his name?"
"Joe. He said he was in a band. Affliction."
"Joe Fox?"
Jade almost shrieked.
"F. O. X." My eyebrows rose.
"Holy shit!" This time she did shriek and I flinched as heads in the open plan office outside began to turn. Floor to ceiling glass looked swish, but at times like these, I wished there was a magic button to frost out the gossip mongers.
"Can you be any louder, Jade?"
"A sexy as fuck rock star?" She was looking at me in awe and I didn't know if I should be proud of picking up a semi-famous man or ashamed at being a total floozy…who had the best sex of her life…six times. In. A. Row.
"It was pretend, Jade. I pretended I was a character out of one of my books. It wasn't me."
"Are you seeing him again? Please say yes so I can live vicariously through you."
"No. We're not. It was a one time deal. We parted ways once we walked through customs and into the real world."
"Seriously? No number or anything?"
"I was playing a part, Jade. It wasn't me. He wouldn't-"
"So, you're afraid once he saw the real you, he would've turned you down?" Jade's face fell into a look of pity. I didn't want her pity. "Lexi, seriously? How long has it been? Three years? I think it's time to move on a little."
"No." I shook my head furiously. I didn't want to talk about what I did and did not deserve.
"You deserve more than a little bit of fun. Do you think he would've-"
"Just drop it, okay?" I snapped, pushing my chair back and getting to my feet. "This isn't an episode of The Bachelor."
"Alexis-"
"I'm going home to work on my manuscript. I'll see you at the signing tomorrow."
"Wait, I didn't mean-"
I waved her off and threaded my way through the office, ignoring the curious looks that were being cast my way, wondering if I'd done the right thing. I kept walking. He stood there and I'd asked him what his band was called and somehow I already knew the answer. I kept walking. If I had more confidence in myself, would I have walked straight back?
I already knew that answer and even if I wanted to, it would still be the same.
No.
No, I wouldn't have.
I sat in front of my laptop, the screen open on my current manuscript and stared at the flashing cursor. Nothing. There was nothing on the screen and my head fell into my hands in frustration. Usually, I'd sit down, open up a new document and mash the keyboard for hours on end and magic would happen. But right now, there was nothing but white noise. Motherfucker. White noise isn't what I needed when I was sitting on the ass crack of a deadline.
When I was stuck, a hot shower always brought out the ideas that were just below the surface. There was something about running water that helped my mind tick over. I guess it had something to do with how it could help soothe muscles that were still sore after a marathon fuck session.
Snapping my laptop closed with a frustrated sigh, I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower and stripped. Truthfully, I was still worked up about Jade's cross-examination at the office that afternoon. The fact that I could still feel where Joe had been wasn't making things any easier. Mr. November. He sure did live up to his nickname, but he could also take Mr. December's spot the way he drove it home.
I knew his band now, they were one of my favorites to write to, Affliction. They sung about dirty sex, love and heartache in a very raw and masculine way...and I wrote much the same way. It was fitting. I had to find another playlist to write to. Stat.
I had a way of contacting him. I could try and go through the band's management and get a message to him. I could…I couldn't do anything. How many messages did they get exactly like that? It would be vetted by some PR team, deleted as rubbish and never make it. Just another groupie trying to have a go. Affliction wasn't touring, so there was no show to go to. No tour to follow. No appearances to show up at.
Even if I did manage to track Joe down, there was no guarantee he wanted to see me. He'd made absolutely no attempt at convincing me to stay, or to continue our charade the moment we landed. Granted, I didn't let him ask any questions, but if he really wanted to, he would've done something, right? Right?
Maybe I was just another fuck in a long line of holes that needed filling. He was a musician in a famous rock band. It was probably in his job description to fuck groupies. What made me so special to think I was any different? I was a challenge and one that I let him win. But, we'd talked at least a little…there was more there than just fucking. Shit, I was delusional.
Deep down, I knew that if I let anyone else get close that they would end up the same way as… I bit my lip as tears began to prickle. I was happy with how my life was. It didn't need changing. I was a bestselling author. I was living my dream. I was busy and in high demand. I didn't have time for a boyfriend or any semblance of a relationship. I didn't need a man. Fuck, just keep telling yourself that, Alexis, and one day you might really believe it.
I might have all of those wonderful things, but the moment I snapped my laptop lid closed, I was alone. What use was having everything I ever wanted if no one was there to share it with? Enter the stage I loved the most. Denial. If I didn't have anyone, then I wouldn't hurt them. I wouldn't get hurt. I especially didn't want to be rejected the first time I tried after three years on my own. That would be fab. A totally awesome self-confidence boost.
Running my fingers along the scar over my waist, I let out a long sigh. No, it wouldn't work. It was a memory. I'd never see him again and I had to get used to the idea. Maybe I should write it out. Maybe that would help getting it out of my mind once and for all.
Ducking my head under the stream of hot water, I forced my thoughts go to something a little more constructive. I had the signing tomorrow in the city and I had to focus on that. If I could get my head around my work again, then I'd forget Joe Fox. He'd probably already forgotten me and found another willing woman to amuse himself with. Alexis Broadbridge and Joe Fox. That shit would never work.
I needed to get back to reality because Alexis Storm was a character. She wasn't real. Besides, Alexis Broadbridge had a deadline for her next novel. No rest for the broken hearted.
Joe
I was going mad. I was having some kind of emotional breakdown, right? Guys didn't get this hung up over a woman. I never got this hung up over a bit of pussy. I never got hung up to that point my dick flopped around like a useless piece of meat.
I couldn't stay in that hotel room. I couldn't stay or I'd think about Alexis all day and all night until I had to check myself into the loony bin. So, I walked.
I walked the streets of Melbourne's CBD, weaving through throngs of commuters and tourists and general slow walkers, trying to clear my mind. I went into a record store and flipped through the selection, picked up some flyers for a couple of local gigs and nabbed a copy of Beat, the free street press paper. I scanned through it to see if there were any gigs happening tonight or this weekend. I'd come to check out some music, not pine over a woman I'd never see again. I didn't know her last name, I didn't know where she worked, I didn't know anything about her. There was no way I could track her down. She was a ghost.
I looked in all the shop windows as I walked, looking for posters that might have some interesting event on, anything to distract myself. That's when I saw her and came to a grinding halt. I mean, it wasn't her really, it was a photograph. I had do a double take in case I was beginning to hallucinate. It was her. I stood so close to the window, my nose was almost sandwiched against the glass.
Alexis Storm, Erotic Romance author…signing…today. One till three pm.
Storm. It was like some kind of fucking omen sent from some crazy as fuck Aztec god. What the fuck did I have to slaughter to get her back in my bed again? I'd do it right now without even blinking. Looking inside, an escalator was disappearing into the store below. People were going in and out and a few had books with her name on them. At least it wasn't a hallucination.
Looking at my watch I saw it was ten past two. Alexis was inside. Right now.
It
wasn't the time for being a pansy ass pussy, so I sucked it up and went inside. The escalator took me down and I scanned the store, desperate to lay eyes on the woman who'd blown my mind.
She was sitting behind a table, her black hair tied up in a long plait that was flung over one shoulder, the simple black blazer she wore looking fucking stunning. I almost stumbled at the bottom of the escalator and I lost sight of her behind the shelves. Moving forward, I found a spot where I could stare at her without drawing attention to myself. I knew I was being a creepy ass fucking stalker, but I knew nothing about the woman. I wanted to see Alexis as herself, in her natural habitat. Besides, I couldn't just walk up to her with a line of her adoring fans clogging up half the store.
I watched as the line moved forward and people came up to the table, one after the other. Alexis smiled at them, signing the inside cover of book after book. Some had brought piles of novels with them, others bought new copies, some people asked to take a picture with her, some asked her questions and she didn't deny anyone. She smiled and nodded and was gracious. I never knew a writer before. I never went to a signing that wasn't music related. It was a different kind of fame.
After a while, she excused herself from the table for what looked like a break, because the line seemed to be forming again. I watched as she strolled through the aisles of books, playing with her phone. Now was my chance if winning her over was my agenda. Taking a deep breath, I made my way over to where she was standing, in the Romance section next to a shelf full of her own books. I could read her name across several different covers and I wondered how many she had out.
She was looking at the screen of her phone, so she didn't notice me at first, not until I cleared my throat. Her gaze met mine and she gasped at the same time as my entire body did this weird as fuck aching thing. Fuck, I wanted her.